I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
