Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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