Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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