I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
where are my pants?
in the oven.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
