sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
