so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
