at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
