Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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