The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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