And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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