I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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