Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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