My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
