I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
This is the prime rib incident all over again
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
