I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
