Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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