Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
