we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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