hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
