Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
