Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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