The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
