Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
