He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I need a beard to bite.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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