i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
