I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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