Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
