dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
