at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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