i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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