Three words: puerto rican gang bang
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
