It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
is it fun? or sober?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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