...so i touched it.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
