one might say we're banned from that church
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
