Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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