I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
