if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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