The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
