OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
