im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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