goodnight i made you a song goodbye
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
