Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses youâ€
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
