I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
