he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
My life is pants optional.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
