Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
