Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
