Little spoons don't ask big questions
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
