you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
