Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
