The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If I have put a neon โvacancyโ sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
Randomize
