am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
